Which Tank Is Empty?

Sometimes you need rest.

Sometimes you need perspective.

Sometimes you need purpose and contribution.

The challenge is knowing the difference.

I recently listened to Tony Robbins talk about how our growing focus on self-care can sometimes become too much focus on ourselves—our feelings, disappointments, frustrations and problems.

It made me think about something I’ve experienced in my own life.

There have been times when I’ve literally run myself into the ground. My body was depleted, my nervous system was stuck in fight-or-flight, and what I needed was real rest and recovery.

There have been other times when I’ve felt just as depleted—but what was exhausting me wasn’t necessarily how much I was doing.

I was stuck in frustration, resentment or feeling like a victim of circumstances.

And sometimes, it was both.

So how can you tell what you actually need?

Is It Restoring You?

Start with a simple question:

Is the self-care I’m giving myself actually making me feel better?

When I truly need rest and recovery, I can see and feel the difference when I get it.

My body feels better. My nervous system settles. I have more patience and kindness. I stop rushing while driving, eating, getting ready and interacting with my family.

I become more peaceful and present.

Most importantly, my capacity for life expands.

Ask yourself:

Am I becoming more rested, peaceful and present?

Do I have more capacity for the people and things I care about?

Do I feel more like myself?

If yes, keep going. Your body may be telling you exactly what it needs.

But what if you’ve rested, created space and taken care of yourself—and you’re still stuck?

Maybe the empty tank isn’t rest.

Which Tank Is Actually Empty?

I think of the different areas of my life as separate tanks.

There’s a physical well-being tank.

A love and connection tank.

A fun and play tank.

A growth tank.

A purpose and meaning tank.

A contribution tank.

And they aren’t interchangeable.

Caring for your children may fill your love tank without filling your growth tank.

Serving clients may fill your purpose tank while completely draining your physical tank.

A massage may help your body without touching your loneliness.

A weekend alone may give you rest without answering the feeling that something meaningful is missing.

So before automatically prescribing yourself more self-care, ask:

Which tank is actually empty?

What am I hungry for right now?

Rest? Connection? Fun? Growth? Meaning? Contribution?

Then fill that tank.

Sometimes You Need a Bigger Game

My coaches have reminded me over the years that when I get bogged down by the minutiae of life—small problems, frustrations and resentments—the way out is often to play a bigger game.

When the game gets bigger, the small things have a way of getting smaller.

Contribution does that for me.

It shifts my attention from:

What’s wrong with my life? Why is this happening to me? What am I not getting?

to:

Who can I help? Where can I make a difference? What can I give?

Serving others has always been the gas in my engine.

When I’m depressed or too consumed with my own problems, I volunteer. Not because someone else’s suffering makes mine irrelevant, but because contribution changes my field of vision.

It gives me perspective, connection and purpose.

Tony describes growth and contribution as two needs of the human spirit. Maybe that’s why another massage, another day off or another Netflix binge can’t fill a tank that’s actually hungry for meaning.

Contribution Doesn’t Have to Mean More Work

This distinction is especially important for moms.

Your life may already be filled with taking care of other people.

So this isn’t a message to give more, do more or sacrifice more.

Contribution can be incredibly simple.

Call someone who’s lonely.

Help someone anonymously.

Volunteer for an hour.

Give to something you care about.

Share a skill with someone who needs it.

Notice someone who normally goes unnoticed.

Sometimes you don’t need to do more.

You just need to turn your attention outward and reconnect with something bigger than yourself.

What Do You Need Right Now?

The next time you’re exhausted, discouraged, resentful or just in a funk, get curious before deciding what the remedy should be.

Ask yourself:

Which tank is empty?

Is what I’m doing actually restoring me?

Am I physically depleted—or mentally consumed by my problems?

Do I need rest, connection, play, growth, meaning or contribution?

Would playing a bigger game make some of these smaller problems feel smaller?

Where could I make a difference today?

Then experiment.

If you’re depleted, rest.

If you’re lonely, connect.

If life has become all responsibility, play.

If you’re stagnant, grow.

If you’re missing meaning, contribute.

Sometimes you need to turn inward and restore yourself.

And sometimes you need to turn outward and reconnect with something bigger than yourself.

The wisdom is learning to recognize which one you need.